thursday.

first, went on my second interview. was about 2 minutes late. i swear my nerves are going to get the best of me. if you know me at all you know that i am ridiculously punctual. i hate being late and usually i am the 15 minutes early girl. but i was late, again.
god is seriously kicking my butt right now because i so want to control everything and well, he definitely reminded me that today, he was in control. i'm learning these stupid hard lessons that suck big time but are still worth it.
the interview went well. i was interviewed by 4 people. it was a tad crazy but i enjoyed meeting each person and i hope to one day work with them. i really want this job. somehow in my stupid mind i feel like i'm trying to earn it from god...that if i'm good enough he will give it to me because i'm a good christian girl. the reality: i don't deserve this job. i don't deserve a lot of things and yet he still provides. his ultimate provision being the grace i've received and the freedom and love, justice and faith. i don't deserve it, but he gave. he gave it all.
if i get this job it's because god is giving it to me. yeah, i'd be so great at it because i'm practically made for it, but the truth is i've done nothing short of almost ruining all my chances. twice late....seriously? i'm stupid and i don't deserve it.
but i sure do want it. i guess i'm just gonna have to wait for that door to open or shut.

today i watched too many episodes of grey's anatomy. i needed to just escape for a bit. all the time i spent working on papers and projects and studies kept me from watching tv, so now i'm sort of catching up. i like the show and yet i don't like the show. i mostly really like it. there are just parts/story lines that really piss me off and unlike most girls, i'm not a big fan of the main character. she kind of bugs me. maybe not all the time, but she can be so freakin depressing. oh my goodness...as if i were talking about a real person. although i do want my mcdreamy. enough said.

today i'm tired of drama. i'm sick of people who are not above reproach and who do not share many of my same values. not that i want to force people to think and act the way i do, but it seems like there is an unspoken set of values that should exist but apparently not everyone sees things that way. it's so frustrating, especially when i get advice or counsel and realize that i am not the only one who thinks it's weird. (sorry this is totally vague, but i just needed to vent a little)

personal goal today: drink more water!