i have a crush.

ok before i can go to sleep, i must confess.
i have a crush. i've not had one in a really long time.
forget eharmony.

have you ever met someone that you just can't get out of you mind. this is what it's like. i want to scream from the inside out proclaiming, "notice me, pursue me, pick me, love me." maybe not all at once but is it so bad to be wanted? to be desired? for someone to look into your eyes and you know they just love you for who you are. i want that. i want to be loved. i already know i am loved by the Lord but now i am ready to be loved by a man and to love him back. i don't expect this to happen overnight but these feelings inside are a little overwhelming. is it because i am 30 and haven't dated in who knows how long? is it because i am looking forward? scared?

i met a woman the other day who is attractive and seems nice, but she's 38 and single. what the heck is going on? i don't understand men sometimes. they want to be this warrior, this pursuer but why is it that most single women i know aren't being pursued? come on, i need some enlightenment... i know it's scary but seriously? seriously? ok, this was not meant to become a bitter rant about being 30 and single. my apologies.

back to the crush. this guy. he's amazing. from what i have observed and encountered already. his heart is huge and bursting forth with tensions and struggles and hopes and dreams about life and love and god. i'm so inspired. it seems weird to "know" this much about someone i hardly know. i so desperately want to know him more, besides the words he writes and his eyes. i honestly could get lost in his eyes. (i sound ridiculous). his smile beams so brightly. he's funny and handsome and tall. i see how loved he is by others and how he loves them. (i really sound ridiculous) maybe i'm just a little too observant. i remember such random details and things that no one else does. like for the brief moment i looked up and saw how desperate he cried out to god during worship. or how i noticed that he noticed me but pretended not to notice when walking by. maybe we'll be good friends. maybe more. for now, i just want to get to know him. but i'm too bold sometimes and maybe too intentional and too pushy. i don't want to be that girl. i want to be pursued but i also refuse to play games and i want to be myself. so many times i try to fit the mold i think the guy will like. quiet, mysterious, what have you....but i am neither quiet nor mysterious. i'm me. i like to talk, laugh and i'm not afraid to be bold and to show my feelings...sometimes i might show them too much. i snort when i laugh. i cry over the most stupid of things. i love hugs and long conversations. anyway, i hope he will see the me that my closest friends see and i hope this crush doesn't actually crush me.

for those of you who want to say it, i've already reminded myself to guard my heart. don't worry so much. i'm just writing my thoughts and sharing them. i just haven't felt this way before. it's different and i don't know how to explain it. maybe i've just learned to identify the good guys better. they are out there. i just want one to pursue me. and i wouldn't object to this man.