bite that tongue

i'm learning a valuable lesson. to just let people have their opinions and not try to always give them mine. even if i know i am right. it's not worth it. not really.
only if i think it's harmful to them...like friends who smoke excessively. my grandpa died from emphysema caused by smoking, so i think my opinion is pretty valid.

friday

a few things about my friday

i saw a dog recycling....carrying a plastic bottle in his mouth while being walked by a teenage girl....only in California do our pets recycle as well. i really wish i would have had my camera and wasn't driving in my car. it was a hilarious sight.

i got a car wash finally since my car was so gross and it was really nice out despite this rumor of a huge rain storm. yeah, the storm came. i'm such a dork. oh, and i dropped my phone in a puddle. i have the worst experiences with cell phones. seriously.
and southern californians cannot drive in the rain. not at all. ridiculous people. and only in california do people run their sprinklers when it rains....we are suppose to be eco-friendly people...come on!
i really miss lightning when it rains. we don't have that here either. i guess i'll take the day of lightning free rain and several days of sunshine over the rainy gloomy weeks of what arkansas is sometimes.

i went to my friend sarah's birthday party. welcome to the 30 club sarah! i met a lot of interesting and cool people, plus got to reminise with sarah about highschool and biola days. so much fun.

i'm pretty much moved into my own room...more about that later!

i chose my family over the emmy's

so i could have gone to the emmy's today and the governor's ball with my roomie, but i chose to hang out with my family instead. little did i know what i was missing out on...but i did have a great and needed time with my family! plus i got to hang out in the presidential suite of the hilton in huntington beach. no big deal.

disappointment

i didn't get the job at john wells. i'm like really sad and a little depressed.
i know i will be ok, but it still sucks. i'm usually the person who gets the job. there has to be something better out there for me. i'm tired of looking, plus i don't know what's going on with the roomate situation. i'm so scared right now.
plus i have like $5 in the bank. goodness.
sorry for sounding so down, but it's where i'm at right now. i know it's not forever and i know that there is always something better, but these are the days when i start doubting if i made the right choice to move out here.
please just pray for me.

anticipation

this week is full of questions and wonderings. is wondering even a word?
anyway...
this week i find out whether i will be getting the job i so badly want.
this week i have to make some housing decisions. to stay or leave. is staying even an option? i'm not sure anymore.
if i get the job, do i look for housing closer to the city?
if i get housing closer to the city, do i leave this church i love or commute a ridiculous amount?
if i stay at this church, do i join a lifegroup or a discipleship group?
what to do? what to do?
i first have to find out about the job.
patience is not a gift of mine. nor is mercy. i need to work on those.

community.

i really need community in my life right now. i miss so many people that i love so very much, who mean the world to me. i didn't think it would be this hard but i've been here for a few months and i still don't have the community i need and want. i need people. i'm such a people person and such an extrovert so this is killing me. i need consistent community in my life. i know a lot of people around here, but they are all scattered. i'm still trying to meet people at church but i think i really need to be in a small group or something and be more pro-active. i also need to pray for the community in my house. not so good right now. it's hard but i think it will get better soon. i hope. i think this sunday i plan to go and talk to people after the worship service. there are a few people i have met but i need to pursue some friendships.

thursday.

first, went on my second interview. was about 2 minutes late. i swear my nerves are going to get the best of me. if you know me at all you know that i am ridiculously punctual. i hate being late and usually i am the 15 minutes early girl. but i was late, again.
god is seriously kicking my butt right now because i so want to control everything and well, he definitely reminded me that today, he was in control. i'm learning these stupid hard lessons that suck big time but are still worth it.
the interview went well. i was interviewed by 4 people. it was a tad crazy but i enjoyed meeting each person and i hope to one day work with them. i really want this job. somehow in my stupid mind i feel like i'm trying to earn it from god...that if i'm good enough he will give it to me because i'm a good christian girl. the reality: i don't deserve this job. i don't deserve a lot of things and yet he still provides. his ultimate provision being the grace i've received and the freedom and love, justice and faith. i don't deserve it, but he gave. he gave it all.
if i get this job it's because god is giving it to me. yeah, i'd be so great at it because i'm practically made for it, but the truth is i've done nothing short of almost ruining all my chances. twice late....seriously? i'm stupid and i don't deserve it.
but i sure do want it. i guess i'm just gonna have to wait for that door to open or shut.

today i watched too many episodes of grey's anatomy. i needed to just escape for a bit. all the time i spent working on papers and projects and studies kept me from watching tv, so now i'm sort of catching up. i like the show and yet i don't like the show. i mostly really like it. there are just parts/story lines that really piss me off and unlike most girls, i'm not a big fan of the main character. she kind of bugs me. maybe not all the time, but she can be so freakin depressing. oh my goodness...as if i were talking about a real person. although i do want my mcdreamy. enough said.

today i'm tired of drama. i'm sick of people who are not above reproach and who do not share many of my same values. not that i want to force people to think and act the way i do, but it seems like there is an unspoken set of values that should exist but apparently not everyone sees things that way. it's so frustrating, especially when i get advice or counsel and realize that i am not the only one who thinks it's weird. (sorry this is totally vague, but i just needed to vent a little)

personal goal today: drink more water!

i have a crush.

ok before i can go to sleep, i must confess.
i have a crush. i've not had one in a really long time.
forget eharmony.

have you ever met someone that you just can't get out of you mind. this is what it's like. i want to scream from the inside out proclaiming, "notice me, pursue me, pick me, love me." maybe not all at once but is it so bad to be wanted? to be desired? for someone to look into your eyes and you know they just love you for who you are. i want that. i want to be loved. i already know i am loved by the Lord but now i am ready to be loved by a man and to love him back. i don't expect this to happen overnight but these feelings inside are a little overwhelming. is it because i am 30 and haven't dated in who knows how long? is it because i am looking forward? scared?

i met a woman the other day who is attractive and seems nice, but she's 38 and single. what the heck is going on? i don't understand men sometimes. they want to be this warrior, this pursuer but why is it that most single women i know aren't being pursued? come on, i need some enlightenment... i know it's scary but seriously? seriously? ok, this was not meant to become a bitter rant about being 30 and single. my apologies.

back to the crush. this guy. he's amazing. from what i have observed and encountered already. his heart is huge and bursting forth with tensions and struggles and hopes and dreams about life and love and god. i'm so inspired. it seems weird to "know" this much about someone i hardly know. i so desperately want to know him more, besides the words he writes and his eyes. i honestly could get lost in his eyes. (i sound ridiculous). his smile beams so brightly. he's funny and handsome and tall. i see how loved he is by others and how he loves them. (i really sound ridiculous) maybe i'm just a little too observant. i remember such random details and things that no one else does. like for the brief moment i looked up and saw how desperate he cried out to god during worship. or how i noticed that he noticed me but pretended not to notice when walking by. maybe we'll be good friends. maybe more. for now, i just want to get to know him. but i'm too bold sometimes and maybe too intentional and too pushy. i don't want to be that girl. i want to be pursued but i also refuse to play games and i want to be myself. so many times i try to fit the mold i think the guy will like. quiet, mysterious, what have you....but i am neither quiet nor mysterious. i'm me. i like to talk, laugh and i'm not afraid to be bold and to show my feelings...sometimes i might show them too much. i snort when i laugh. i cry over the most stupid of things. i love hugs and long conversations. anyway, i hope he will see the me that my closest friends see and i hope this crush doesn't actually crush me.

for those of you who want to say it, i've already reminded myself to guard my heart. don't worry so much. i'm just writing my thoughts and sharing them. i just haven't felt this way before. it's different and i don't know how to explain it. maybe i've just learned to identify the good guys better. they are out there. i just want one to pursue me. and i wouldn't object to this man.

interview no. 2

so i got called back for a second interview, even after wearing flip flops. how amazing is that?
i'm a nervous wreck. at least i wont forget my heels. :)
my interview is tomorrow morning. so i am going to bed now.

i love my church

i love the church i'm going to here in orange county.
love it. the pastors. the people. the worship. the community. it's exactly what i need right now in my life.

just finished a series on the lord's prayer today. incredible.
oh to purge myself of the sin, guilt, shame and the disgust of my life. how could i not for god? how could i not want to be a disciple of christ? and how could i want anything but to follow him and love him even when i am tired and broke, discouraged, weary and broken? how could i?

sometimes i yearn more for what i think is a tangible security when all i need is to be held by my heavenly father.

my faith ought to be more than just cheap grace. it needs to be costly. i need to know that christ is all that matters. like dietrich bonhoeffer says from the cost of discipleship, "no other significance is possible, since Jesus is the only significance. Beside Jesus, nothing has any significance. He alone matters."

that's life.

it sure is gonna be hard.

but it will be well worth it.

worth waiting.
worth working hard.
worth hoping.
worth praying.
worth giving.
worth serving.
worth loving.
worth living.

and that's life.

are you ready?