you're so vain, i bet you think this blog is about you.

we live in such a vain society. even as christians, we are vain. women and men alike. we are vain. we spend too much time in front of the mirror. we always consult friends or roommates if our outfit looks good. we want the best photos of ourselves. "this is my best side" is the coined joke, but it's so true. we don't want people to see us other than at our best. and i am just as guilty as the next person, unfortunately. i delete pictures or untag myself from others' photo albums for fear of being viewed in an unflattering way. but the funny thing about all of this, is that this perception of ourselves is somewhat skewed and is more than likely different from how others might see us. for example, i have taken photographs of friends in which they look absolutely beautiful to me, but they hate. it's so weird. it's so frustrating. i hate that we see ourselves in such a way that we feel the need to delete it out of our lives. it's sad that who we are needs to look a certain way. that our chin or arm or butt or nose or whatever is too big, too fat, too pointy, too white, is just a little ridiculous sometimes. as a photographer, i experience this a lot. i am partially to blame for this myth, this lie that we should look perfect all the time. i edit photos. not too much, but i still edit them. i clean up skin and make arms look a bit smaller. eyes brighter, teeth whiter. butts smaller, bust bigger (i don't actually do these last two). and the list goes on and on and on. this is what our society does to us. and it's not just women anymore. men are so much more worried about appearance these days. i know so many guys who don't want to or have such a fear to take off their shirts at a pool or the beach. guys who won't let me take their picture at all because they have poor facial skin. guys who wear clothes that are a little too big because they don't want anyone to notice that they are kind of skinny. i won't even get into what women do...

this is something that i think about a lot of the time. it's the photographer in me. i love taking photographs of people and i do like making people look good. especially if i am taking professional photographs. big events and special occasions and head shots are meant to look rather nice. i don't have any qualms about making someone look their best and i try to do it with the most integrity possible!

i am trying to also be that change and be able to laugh at myself and accept ugly pictures. even if i look like i have 5 chins sometimes. i'm learning to have confidence in myself in this way and not let one photograph define who i am. perhaps this is why i love the game "ugly faces" so much. it's a photo game in which while pushing the shutter button, you move every part of your face...eyes, eyebrows, nose, mouth, tongue...and the outcome is pretty hilarious. you look so awful, but that's what is so great about it. it's meant to look awful and you laugh. the challenge here though is to actually play the game and laugh at yourself. it can be really gross sometimes, but just keep going. i've discovered that this game, as silly as it is, has helped me laugh at myself and not care how gross i look. and it's fun.

a big challenge as well is looking at all the pictures i take or others take of me and not care. it's just a photograph. it's not going to define who i really am. yeah, people may judge me or not be my friend or not want to date me based on what i might look like, but still, that does not nor will it ever define me.

this is me and i like to make funny faces. and this photo makes me laugh so much and yet it is so gross.

i don't want to pack

packing really sucks. it takes a long time and it makes me realize how much crap i own. this is a little ridiculous. i'm afraid to throw too much away or get rid of it because a year ago when i prepared for california i purged so much of my stuff. i regretted some of that purge. really. bummer.
anyway, i did do some good purging and also shredded some old documents. that felt good. it was like claiming an end to stupid decisions in my life and unnecessary papers.
so packing. i'm very close to being done and want to finish before this week really starts so i can enjoy this last week and a half...since i have some super fun plans ahead of me and some freelance work i am doing...
a couple photoshoots. creating a brochure. going to the beach. going to an angels game. bonfire at huntington. disneyland (for free-the best way to go). friends. church. so much to do. hopefully the getty and griffith observatory. what a week ahead...

and i still need to finish packing.

even more changes

so, i'm actually moving sooner than i thought because i won't be going on my mission trip. i don't have very much financial support and i've missed so many meetings, so the leaders suggested i opt out now therefore leaving me only responsible for the cost of my plane ticket. it's kind of a (major) bummer, but the financial toll would be worse and now i don't have to get a job for the month i'd have to be here. so, i am now leaving at the beginning of june. it's very bittersweet, but i know it's the best option for me. so, any prayer would be great...for getting ready to leave and paying rent and money for getting to Arkansas. it's all quite insane but i really believe the Lord is going to provide. i just need a bit more patience and trust. thanks.

psalm 16

Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."
As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.
LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.


incredible.

an "ah ha" moment

as i was getting ready for bed, this thought crossed my mind:
oh my gosh, i am working for a university! an accredited, the real deal, distinguished university. this is kind of a big deal. no, wait, it's a huge deal.

yeah, it's jbu and i graduated from there, but seriously. i mean, seriously! my excitement pretty much quadrupled. and that's probably an understatement.

how many people get this opportunity? when i really examine this, not a whole lot. i was so excited about going back at jbu and be near family and a community that is like home, that i neglected to realize what a huge stinking deal this really is. i am so grateful to god for this opportunity and that they picked me. they picked me!!!! god chose me for this adventure. and for that, i am ecstatic!

i am beyond blessed and i need to go brush my teeth.

woah. life.

something exciting has happened and changed my life rather drastically. just when you are going one way, God turns you toward new opportunities! of course! as many people may know, i have been job hunting and praying for clarity about direction in my career. i’ve been out in california for about a year trying to get into the film industry but every door that seems cracked open ends up shutting rather fast (and sometimes hard) in my face. just when i practically reached bleakness (after hearing a rejection about a position i was fully confident about), an opportunity to work on an independent film produced by jbu alumni opened up. i jumped on this chance and about 2 days later i was on my way to new mexico for the pick up shoot. i had an incredible experience! once there, the producers decided we would fly home and i asked if they would instead fly me to arkansas so I could visit family and friends. they did and this is where the crazy change of life occurred.

God answered my prayer for career clarity when i was in arkansas. while visiting people i worked with at jbu, i was asked and encouraged to submit my resume for my boss's old job since he has been recently accepted into another position. the position i applied for is director of student activities, director of new student orientation and advisor to sga (student government association). it was such a honor to be asked to apply and i was very excited, but i wanted to make the right decision. i spent a lot of time in prayer and consulted close friends and family. i decided to submit my resume and was interviewed by several people including the president of jbu before i left last tuesday morning. it was all very overwhelming but i felt at peace and knew that God was leading my steps. i was also very encouraged by friends and family. so, thursday, i received a call from jbu asking me to take the position and on friday, i officially accepted the position.

through this decision making process i was forced to examine my love for media and have concluded that my passion will always exist. my favorite aspect of media is writing and i believe i can do that practically anywhere. i’ve learned that i needed to come out to california, so that i wouldn’t have those “what if” questions lingering in my head. and i know that i could come back especially if the lord leads. i still have connections here and opportunities to write that are already springing up. i have about 3 script ideas i am working on and was asked to co-write a screenplay with one of the producers I worked with in new mexico. great things on that horizon!

so, i will be moving back to arkansas. it's all very exciting and seems a little crazy but I feel very content and at peace about my decision. i love jbu and i'm excited to be near my family again. i will be moving at the beginning of july, most likely immediately after a mission trip that i am taking with my church to the dominican republic. your prayers would be greatly appreciated as i tie things up here in california, figure out financial stresses including support for my mission trip and that I will find work for about a month!

thank you again for all your support and prayers through this time!
i'm looking forward to this next adventure! it shall be very exciting!

back from filming

i just returned this week from a whirlwind of a trip.
the first part of my trip was to new mexico to work on an independent film. the experience was rather incredible. it's almost too difficult where to begin and what to say about that experience. i worked insane hours, got inadequate sleep, acquired one of my worst sunburns and still had a smile on my face. it has sparked motivation to write which is the most important outcome. therefore i have decided to work hard on three of my favorite ideas. one at a time of course. i was also asked by one of the producers of the film to co-write his next screenplay. i'm rather thrilled and honored that i was asked. i'm blessed and encouraged by their opinion of me. i was told that i am better than all four of the production assistants put together from their first shoot. so, basically, i impressed them. and not to be proud or arrogant, but that's how i operate. i'm a hard worker and i put my all into what i'm doing, especially if it's something i'm passionate about. ask my friends and bosses at jbu. seriously.
the second part of my trip was to arkansas. i won't go into details just yet, but that leg of my journey proved to be almost life-altering.